So I have come to the conclusion that I really need some sort of therapy. I can't actually go see a therapist (for reasons which will be explained later in the blog) so for now, blogging will have to be my therapy. My outlet. My place to bitch, moan, whine, complain, rant, rave, celebrate, triumph, cheer, what have you. My own little place.
Lets start with my biggest problem. Which I think is the root of most things I have to complain about.
I'm not happy. I miss me. I feel like I have lost myself due to this life altering event we all know as Parenthood. And I feel guilty even complaining about it. After all, it's all I ever wanted in this world. To be a mom. Not just any mom, but a stay at home mom. Super mom. Arts and crafts and homemade, healthy, organic baby food making mom. Room mom, soccer mom, PTA mom. I wanted it all. Minivan driving, carpooling, run myself ragged with social events, playgroups, sports. I wanted to be so busy that I wouldn't have time to think.
Instead, I'm sad, lonely, wants to climb into bed and never get out mom. Key word there is lonely. Oh so lonely.
I have three friends that I can truly, from the bottom of my heart count on. Unfortunately, one lives across the country. The other has three kids of her own, so is kinda busy. The other is always kind, loving and available, but still has her own life to deal with. Sure, I have many acquaintances. A few moms I met at preschool. A few moms from a playgroup that we no longer meet with. A few friends from single life. But it's just not the same. Because even with all these people available to "hang out" with, I don't ever get a break to "hang out" I haven't had a day off from this stay at home mom gig for five years, two months and ten days now.
So if anyone after reading this wants to hang out, or grab a coffee sometime, just know I will be dragging the munchkins along. And chances are, they will become less than cooperative about twenty minutes into the meeting. They sometimes cramp my style. I can't even chat with moms at the park without one or both deciding that there is some sort of crisis that must immediately be attended to. I've decided they rather enjoy that I'm lonely because that means they get mama to themselves. They don't share well.
So I become increasingly unhappy. And resentful. And I don't know how to fix it.
There are good days and bad days. Don't get me wrong. I don't wallow in my despair all day, everyday. Sometimes I get invited to a successful play date and I can squeeze in a few moments of adult conversation. Sometimes we go my my friend with 3 kids house and my kids decide not to complain for once and I get to sit and chat. It's not all bad. But I'm still lonely. I miss me.
